Jackie the Joker : A Tale of a Toxic Gemini

Jackie was a typical big girl from the hood. She had a bad attitude, a cute face, and a few curves. She was from a large family that grew up on the rough side of town. She is street smart and participating in criminal activity isn’t foreign to her sensibilities. She has 5 sisters and 3 brothers. All were raised by a single mother with a bad attitude and is a product of her broken up bringing. She as the old timers would say, did the best she knew how. Jackie’s brothers were in and out of jail. Three of the sisters were close. They were all SSBBW’s (Super sized big beautiful women) as they say in the community. This usually consists of women over 350 pounds. I mention weight in this story not to shame anyone, but weight is actually a character in this story. I’ll fill you in later. Hustling money and men was their favorite past time. They would get advice from each other and aid one another in their schemes. Deception was the family way. Its what they all did to survive.

I will preface, this is a 3rd hand version of events according to my recollection. Evan had a weird, emotionless relationship with his mother Cathy. She was one of those get a good civil service job, buy a house, get married, and have kids; in that order, my way type of mother. She micromanages everything having to do with her son. Her opinion is not up for debate. This is a dicatorship. Teenage Evan wanted to be a rapper. More so he was interested in music overall. He taught himself how to make beats and was inspired to write rhymes. Evan expressed his passion to Cathy and she completely stomped on that idea and suggested that he become and X-ray technician instead because they make good money.

Constant disagreements with Cathy over everything cause Evan, in his early 20’s to desire to get away. Evan meets Jackie and her perceived confidence and close family unit was attractive to Evan. He wanted to be a part of something where he felt valued. Evan eventually moved from Cathy’s home into an apartment Jackie shared with her sister. Soon after Jackie and Evan get their own apartment where they raised Jackie’s 3 year old daughter Tara together. Evan was head over heels to be in a family. He embraced Tara as his own child. He catered to Jackie as his woman.

Prior to Evan and Jackie’s relationship, Jackie was involved with a guy named Dave. Dave was serving time in jail during the first few years of their relationship. Evan was aware of Dave. I believe Evan knew there was some sort of communication between them in the form of letters and phone calls but he didn’t worry about it. The relationship became a bit turbulent due to the Gemini mentality and everything that comes with that. Evan was in over his head falling so fast for Jackie that when conflict arose, he became a verbal punching bag. The onslaught of cuss words and emotional abuse she dolled out was overwhelming for Evan so he moved out. He got his own small apartment but never broke up with Jackie.

The interaction after Evan moved out was contentious. They were very hot and cold and it became all about sex and babysitting. He would come over for sex and she would wind up forcing him to babysit while she ran the streets. Neither one of them were happy during this time. Just dealing with each other out of habit. One of these visits would change Evan’s perception and life as he knew it. He was at the house babysitting and used Jackie’s computer and saw the screensaver was a picture of her and Dave during the time they were an item. They were happy and hugged up. This infuriated Evan. Not only was he being used at this time, not only was he babysitting her child at the moment, he had to be insulted by the perception that she was cheating too! They had an argument about the picture and of course the answer wasn’t satisfying to Evan. The details of that conversation aren’t worth mentioning. It was just some Gemini defensive posturing. The outcome however was that she was going to remove the picture and promised not to have contact with Dave again. They were about 6 years into their relationship at this point. This situation in particular set the stage for distrust that ensued for years to come.

The climate of the relationship was lots of arguments and lots of sex with the occasional family event here and there. These family events would include house parties, trips to casinos, and even trips to the Caribbean. Jackie told Evan that she was going to the casino with her sisters on a family trip and that she would be gone for two days. Something about that conversation rubbed Evan the wrong way. It felt too prepared. He said it felt as if she wanted to ensure that I wouldn’t be calling or coming by for this set period of time. On this particular night, Evan grew increasingly more uncomfortable with the deception and his gut was telling him something was wrong. So he decided to see for himself. Evan took a cab to Jackie’s house in the middle of the night and knocked on the door. Jackie opened the door and was surprised to see Evan standing there. Evan asks her why isn’t she at the casino like she said and Jackie was stuttering and trying to lie to cover her tracks. Evan heard something behind the door and pushed his way into the house and saw Dave in the room. There was a huge commotion and long story short Dave and Evan began to fight in the house.

I asked Evan at the time he told me this story, what made you go over there in the middle of the night? He said that he knew she was lying and wanted to catch her red handed to make it easier to leave. As Evan was waiting for his cab, he told me he put a small steak knife in his pocket. Now Evan didn’t admit it to me, but I think he already knew Jackie was messing around on him. Jackie was trying to break up the fight and in a swift motion Evan pulled out the knife and stabbed Dave in the stomach. Evan then fled on foot down the street. He ran for blocks with his heart beating out of his chest. He finally slowed down enough to get on the train and go home.

The cops were called to Jackie’s home and Dave went to the hospital. The police got the entire rundown from Jackie and they knew who they were looking for. The police went to Evan’s house and picked him up a few days later. Evan, now in the police station, calls his mother and asks for her help. Now, Cathy’s boyfriend of many, many years was a married, retired detective, Rosloe. Cathy asked her “man” to help Evan. That night, Rosloe got a call at 1 am, while sleeping next to his wife, and was told about the events that landed Evan in jail. Rosloe got dressed and went to Evan’s aid. Evan spent 1 night in jail and all charges kind of disappeared. Probably due to Rosloe’s connections and the fact that Dave was on parole and shouldn’t have been out of his residence. Whatever the case Cathy and Evan were overjoyed. Shortly after, Rosloe and Cathy’s relationship ends because Rosloe could not explain to his wife why he jumped out of bed in the middle of the night and stayed gone for more than a day. Though his wife was aware of some of what her husband was doing, this night in particular was the final straw and she demanded he make a choice. Now Evan was never given the details of his mother’s breakup with Rosloe. All that would ever come out is Cathy would out right blame Evan for destroying her relationship. Their relationship ended quickly and all communication ceased immediately. This was devastating to Cathy and also provides insight on how she views her son.

From this point on Evan was truly going through the motions in this relationship because he 100% did not trust Jackie. Evan felt betrayed to the nth degree. Over the next year or so Jackie tried to get back in Evan’s good graces and it worked. They continued to act as if they were mature enough to tackle their issues. In fact, they swept everything under the rug at every turn. While hanging out one day, Jackie and Evan were sitting in the car outside of the pharmacy. Jackie says that she forgot her wallet and asked Evan for $50 for her medication. Jackie was asthmatic. Without hesitation, Evan gives her $100 and Jackie proceeded into the pharmacy. When Jackie returned to the car, they began talking about mundane issues and proceeded on with their day. A few days later, Evan is again “babysitting” her daughter at her home while she is hanging out with her sisters. Evan goes to the bathroom and sees a Plan B box in the garbage can. Now, Jackie is the only adult living in the house but her sisters visit an awful lot. Without any hard evidence and a strong gut feeling, Evan believed that he paid for the Plan B pills that day at the pharmacy. If true, Evan was fully aware of the toxicity of his relationship and knows that it wouldn’t be a good idea to bring children into this mess. But the thought that the woman he loved and almost went to jail for and because would hide a pregnancy and lie to him to get money to abort, is just too much.

At this point, Evan is starving for attention and reassurance that his good intentions are appreciated, that he decides to join a swingers group. This group consists of twenty-somethings to fifty-somethings looking to be uninhibited and share in their sexual fantasies. This group had an online presence where they would chat daily and each weekend meet at a dance club and party together. Evan felt at home in this environment. For one he was the new young thing in the group. Whenever a new person comes in, the curiosity grows. Everyone is wondering how is he in bed. The women are wondering about his sex game, his size, and how freaky he is. The men are wondering if they have competition, if he is bigger than they are, and are all of the women going to flock to him. Fortunately for Evan, he had no problem in the size department. He craved thick women. He took each session as a personal challenge to break this woman down and dominate. Needless to say he remained in the lifestyle for many, many years to come. But wait, Jackie is still his girlfriend and oblivious to his extra curricular activities. I believe there is a need for Evan to feel as if they are “even” with the deception and secrets.

The relationship remained rocky for years. There was even one instance where they had an argument and it was so volatile, the next day there was a hole in the wall the size of a football. I didn’t ask too many questions about that. I just encouraged hime to leave.

Next comes the Dalton years! Who is Dalton? Well after years of arguing, fighting, sexing, making up, breaking up, and lies, Jackie secretly dates a guy named Dalton. Dalton is a very submissive, nice guy for all intents and purposes. He provides some of what Jackie feels Evan lacks. Dalton spends money on her constantly, he pays her small bills, gets her hair and nails done, has a nice car, and gets along with her family as well. Now Evan isn’t stupid and knows something is up with Jackie but with madness being the norm, he couldn’t put his finger on it especially since he was doing his own thing in the swinger life. Evan finds out eventually about Dalton after going through her things in her room while he’s babysitting once again. He looks through her old phone and finds pictures and text messages confirming there is indeed another man assuming the role of Jackie’s man. Evan is heartbroken at this point.

I have to stop the story here and interject here. I truly saw raw feelings from my friend. How could he have been so heartbroken over someone that did some really crappy things over the years? It hurt me just the same to see him so upset.

Why did they remain in the relationship? That’s the biggest question. My answer is they were both broken and codependent.

In the years since the breakup, Evan has prided himself in remaining Jackie’s friend. They have a platonic friendship that I would describe as superficial. Neither one of them are being honest about their intentions. Evan wants to prove to her that she lost a good thing. He wants to show her maturity and that he is past the pain and can move forward with out harping on issues from the past…unless she brings it up then he will completely engage. Jackie wants to show him the same thing. She lives in another state, has a new job with a managerial title, a new car, and appears to have grown from her petty ways…unless she gets in her feelings then old Jackie returns. Its a virtual fencing match when they speak. Both hiding a hand, while on guard every minute. Each statement gets scrutinized to determine if it was a cheap shot, an insult, character defamation, or some other misunderstanding.

A complete waste of time in my opinion. I tell Evan to let her go and heal in another way. He has determined if he can speak to the person that hurt him without ill will, then he is healed. In a normal situation, that’s a healthy way to explore your healing. This is not a normal situation. Evan is constantly waiting to rub in her face all of the things she’s ever done to him. He receives pleasure by shutting her ideas down and deflecting. Present day Evan is fighting for Evan of the past. Evan shouts with every conversation, “I’m stronger now than I was before”, “I need you to apologize sincerely now”, and “I want you to regret mistreating me”. But all that’s understood is dude, you’re still not over this and very fragile.

I ask why he still talks to her? I ask what is the end game here? What do you want to happen as a result of your “mature approach” to Jackie? The responses are all variations of muddled thoughts of taking the high road. But the minute she becomes old Jackie, he becomes old Evan to re-litigate the very issues he claimed he was past. He doesn’t realize that this entire relationship isn’t beneficial and he is trying to protect his younger, inexperienced self.

I know this sounds cliche but when you know better you do better! Evan needs to do better and stop lying to himself. He will only hold back his own development and bring this baggage into a new relationship if one can even be secured.